Have you ever been in church, singing, or attempting to sing, and all the time you are actually just trying, desperately, to hold back the tears and a heart full of emotion? As the Spirit of God touches you, all the pain, all the exhaustion, all the anguish rises, and you feel like breaking down and sobbing?
But you can’t! You’re in church! You are surrounded by others who have no idea what is going on inside of you. (Actually, wouldn’t it be great if church was a safe place to let it all go? I have been in some churches that are.)
That’s what happened to me, several weeks ago. I was in church. It was a wonderful worship time. The Holy Spirit was moving. But I felt like I was going to explode with emotion.
For me, it was several years worth of hurt and pain, disappointment and anger. I could literally feel it, swelling up inside of me, rising in my throat. I felt if I even let just a little bit of it go, I would end up on the floor kicking and screaming. So I clung on tight. The tears kept coming, but I made it through the service.
At home, I could still feel it all bursting to get out. I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to pray with a safe person, in a safe place.
The safe person was my husband. I shared with him how I was feeling. The safe place was not my home – the kids were around, and I knew once I started letting go, it could get noisy.
So, we went out for a drive to find a safe place! And just to let you know, it’s difficult to find a safe place, with no-one around, in a city of 20 million people on a Sunday afternoon!
My husband had the idea. We drove to the bottom car park of a not-so-popular shopping centre, three storeys underground. It was deserted!
There in the depths of the earth, sitting in the car with my husband, I poured out my heart to God. I poured out my hurt and pain. I poured out my disappointment. I told him how angry I was. I sobbed, I cried, and, yes, I even screamed out! That felt so good! I released all that was inside of me. I let it go. And I forgave.
That was a turning point for me. My life has been different since. Pouring my heart out to God was my healing.
I don’t know what you are going through right now. Whatever, it is, God is there. He is your loving Father. He does not judge nor condemn. You can tell him everything. You can be honest with him. Tell him exactly how you are feeling. (I mean, just look at some of the things David says to God in the Psalms. That’s true authenticity for you!).
It’s OK to let go of your emotions. It’s OK to shout and scream, and let it out.
(And, I’d never done that before in my life – the shouting and screaming bit!)
God is your refuge. God is your healer. Come to him.
Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah.
(Pause and think on that.) Psalm 62:8
Two songs that hugely ministered to me, and brought deliverance and healing at this time, were I Could Sing of Your Love Forever by Delirious, and Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture. Do take time out to listen to these songs. Soak in God’s presence and receive his love and healing.