How To Talk To Your Child About Porn (Even When They’re Young)

Plus the resources you need to help you.

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There’s a word we need to learn to say out loud in our homes, and that’s porn.

Yes.

P-O-R-N.

Porn.

Pornography is pervasive in our society, and, very sadly, is just one easy click or tap away.

Your child may not look for porn, but if you have electronic devices in your home, or if your child has friends with electronic devices, then it’s almost inevitable that one day porn will find them.

(And who doesn’t have access to electronic devices?!)

When one of my children was ten years old, they searched online for the next book in a favourite series (a wonderful children’s book series), and came across online stories written by (adult) fans of this series (Fan Fiction). The stories revolved around the characters in the children’s books, but were sexually explicit and violently pornographic.

Another child came across porn out of curiosity, searching about sex online. (Hey, when I was a child, the only way I could find out about sex was through dusty information books in the library. Today, it’s a whole different story.)

Another child stumbled into porn through curiosity, added to by the influence of friends (Christian friends at that).

Thankfully, each of these instances came to light because we were vigilant in monitoring what our kids were doing online (we use an easy-to-use online monitoring system called Qustodio.com.) But it has not come without incredible heartache and ongoing challenge.

Porn makes me sad.

Very sad.

Sad that children have such easy access to sex portrayed in ungodly ways. Sad at a whole generation of young people growing up with unrealistic and messed up expectations of sex. Sad at the marriages I know which are broken or struggling because of porn addiction.

Porn makes me angry.

Very angry.

Angry at a world that perpetuates instant sexual gratification. Angry at an industy that uses and represses women and children (and men too). Angry at satan who is out to destroy relationship as God intended it.

Is it all hopeless?

To be honest, it often feels like it.

I have struggled with feelings of failure and guilt for not protecting my kids from porn, or preparing them for it. I have experienced overwhelm in coming alongside them, and not knowing how to help them. I have listened to the lie that their lives and future relationships are now irretrievably messed up.

But, the truth is:

I am not a failure.

God is with me. He has strategies and wisdom for me.

God holds my child, and has a wonderful future for them. He is the God of redemption and all hope. He cleanses and heals and sets free.

It is not hopeless!

(If you are a parent of a child who has been affected by or who is struggling with porn, then read those last few sentences again. Let God minister to you in your overwhelm. Let God give you fresh hope for your child and their situation. And, at the end of this post, I’ll share resources to help you as you come alongside your child and seek a way forward.)

 

So, the big question:

How do we protect our children from porn?

Monitoring and filtering what your child is doing online is not sufficient in itself, though it is very important. (Check out Qustodio.com).

Innocent sites and safe searches can still sometimes bring up porn. Tech-savy kids can find ways to get round filters. And kids who really want to watch porn will find a way – remember that old unprotected phone stored in the cupboard that you thought no one was using?

The ONLY way, I believe, to protect your child from porn, is to prepare them for it, and to equip them to know how to handle porn if and when they encounter it.

The key is communication, and the best time to start is when your child is young!

(I write this not because we did this well, but because we didn’t. We are still learning and putting these things into practice in retrospect. My husband and I were not prepared for porn to find our family. We certainly didn’t think to prepare our kids when they were young. We didn’t have a clue!)

Imagine your child being able to come to you when they see porn, and talk about it freely, rather than getting swallowed up in a pornographic world of secrecy and shame.

That’s the aim!

 

So…

How do you talk to your kids about porn?

(even when they’re young…and I mean anywhere from age 3 upwards!)

1. Pray.

It can be hugely daunting to talk to your kids about porn. I know! Ask God to help you.

 

2. Make porn a word that’s easy to use in your home, without embarrassment or shame.

(Practice saying the word out loud to yourself first, if that helps!!)

You teach your kids the dangers of talking with strangers, or how to cross the road safely. Put pornography into that same category of telling your children something to keep them safe.

Pornography does not have to be a big unmentionable word.

The younger your child when you start talking about it, the easier it will be. (If a four year old can say Tyrannosaurus Rex, they can say pornography, and ‘porn’ is even simpler!)

Your child does not need to know about sex to be told about porn.

You can simply share that there are sometimes bad pictures or videos online that show naked people, or people being unkind to each other, or whatever is appropriate to say for the age of your child.

(If it seems shocking to talk to your little children about porn…I know! I would have thought it crazy when my kids were little too. But looking back now, it really would have been the best thing to do.  If you have no idea how to do this in an age-appropriate way….I wouldn’t have either….then I highly recommend the read-aloud book Good Pictures. Bad Pictures by Kristen Jenson and Gail Poyner. More details below.)

By talking openly about porn, you let your child know that it is a safe topic of conversation, and they will hopefully find it easier to come to you if they encounter porn in the future. You also demystify porn, and take the curiosity out of having to ‘just see’ what it is.

If your child is already older, it’s never too late to start a conversation. It may take a little more courage, but you can do it! (Some great resources listed below to help you.)

 

3. Fix a time to talk about porn!

If you wait for the perfect timing or setting to initiate a conversation about porn, it may never happen!

You need to be intentional:

• Plan a time. Maybe a mealtime or car ride when the family will be together. Or one-on-one time if you want to talk with a child individually.
• Be accountable. Get your husband involved. If you’re both in it together, it’s harder to back out! Or ask a friend to check in with you afterwards to make sure you went through with it.
• Just do it!

You may feel uncomfortable. It may be hard to start the conversation. But once you’re done, you’ll feel great, and a huge sense of relief.

‘Yes! I talked to my kids about porn…and it went ok!!’

 

4. Give your child a plan of action.

Discuss with your child what to do if they encounter porn. Make it practical and simple.

Some suggestions:

At home:

• Immediately look away/close eyes and call you
• Immediately close the laptop lid (or turn the device over) and come to you

At a friend’s house:

• Leave the room, making the excuse of going to the toilet, then call/text you saying they don’t feel well – this is your cue to go and pick them up. (My daughter knows she can do this anytime she is out if friends start doing or watching anything inappropriate. It hasn’t happened yet, but it’s reassuring to have a plan in place.)

At school:

• Leave the group/friends, making the excuse of going to the toilet. Once they are home, tell you about it, so that you can follow up with a teacher/parents.

 

5. Talk about sex as a wonderful gift from God.

When talking about the dangers of porn, it is easy to focus only on the negatives of sex (if you’re talking about sex at all).

Your child needs to know that sex was created by God, and is a wonderful gift for marriage.

Yes, the world has perverted and misused sex, but Christians can keep sex pure and beautiful for their marriage partner.

(And God has healing and cleansing for those that have experienced sex in non-Godly ways.)

 

6. Have ongoing conversation.

Porn is not a one-off talk! The worst thing is to raise curiosity then never talk about it again.

Follow up with your children. Ask them if their friends watch porn or have ever tried to show them any. Ask if ‘nasty pictures’ have ever popped up on their screens. Talk in more depth as your child grows older.

Come alongside them if they are facing temptation, or are struggling with porn. (As a parent our initial reaction may be shock, upset or anger. Ask God to help you show your child only love, compassion and understanding. Negative emotion will make it difficult for them to share with you. The shame and guilt is bad enough without them fearing your reaction.)

Let them know that you are on their side, and that they can come to you anytime.

 

7. Use resources to help you.

You don’t have to do it alone! There are some amazing resources out there to help you talk to your kids about porn, or to help them if they are struggling with porn.

My top recommendations are:

• Good Pictures. Bad Pictures by Kristen Jenson and Gail Poyner

This is an AMAZING book. I wish it had been around when my kids were young.

As the book description states:

Good Pictures. Bad Pictures is a comfortable, read-aloud story about a mom and dad who teach their child what pornography is, why it’s dangerous, and how to reject it.

Imagine snuggling on the sofa with your children and reading them a bedtime story….about porn!!  This book makes that possible!

If you have young children, then this book really is the easiest and simplest way to start talking with them about porn. It also provides a memorable CAN DO action plan to help your child know what to do if they encounter porn.

Good Pictures. Bad Pictures is written to be read with 7 to 11-year-olds, but the concepts are presented so simply and beautifully that it could be used with younger children, or even to give you an understanding of porn and a way to talk about it with your older children. I have found the book invaluable in giving me the concepts I need to talk with my teens about porn.

There is also a Good Pictures. Bad Pictures. Junior Version to use with children age 3-6 years.

 

• Defend Young Minds Website

A great site for parents who want to help their kids learn how to reject pornography.

They offer two free guides for parents:

Prepare & Prevent – A Guide for Proactive Parents  – Learn the basics, prepare yourself, teach your kids.

Help & Heal – The SMART Plan for Parents – Helping kids who have seen or sought pornography.

 

• When Your Child is Looking at Porn: A Step-By-Step Guide For Christian Parents

Written by Covenant Eyes, this is a great guide to having a conversation with your child. Covenant Eyes offer many other free pornography helps and resources, as well as accountability and monitoring.

 

• Fortify App – Quit Porn for Good

Available to all. Free and paid versions.

I’ve recently discovered Fortify. It looks like a fantastic programme providing science based support for lasting healing from sexual compulsivity.

There’s also a book of the same name: Fortify: The Fighters Guide to Overcoming Porn Addiction.

 

• The Naked Truth Project

A UK based charity offering resources and workshops for churches, schools, and parents to help tackle porn at home, in the church, and in the community.

 

Other Useful Resources:

Qustodio.com – the monitoring/filtering system we use to keep our kids safe online. It’s simple to set up, easy to monitor multiple children and devices, and cheaper than similar systems. (Plus there’s an option to enforce safe search for all browsers and YouTube.) I highly recommend it.

 

How to enable safe search on Google – user guide

How to enable safe search on YouTube – user guide

I Can’t Carry My Children Anymore: All About Coming To An End Of Myself, Letting Go And Letting God – a blog post I wrote when I was overwhelmed with the struggles my child was going through.

12 Practical Ideas To Help YOU, As You Support Your Child In Difficult Times pdf – a list of 12 simple and practical ideas that have helped me in my most overwhelming and emotional moments of motherhood.

 

Sidenote: Porn is not just a ‘man problem’. Many women are also entrapped in the secret world of porn. If that’s you, please know you are not alone. I highly recommend the book Dangerous Honesty by Karin Cooke, which shares stories of women caught in porn, and their journeys into freedom, through Jesus.

 

I’d love to finish this post by praying for you.

Parenthood can be overwhelming; it can be emotional, it can be tough, especially when dealing with issues like porn.

But God is there for you. You don’t have to do it on your own. He holds you. He holds your children.

Come to him now. Receive all he wants to pour into you. Receive his strength and grace.

I pray the following prayer for all the mothers reading this, but if you are one of the wonderful fathers who follows my blog, please make it personal to you 🙂

Lord Jesus, I pray for the precious woman reading this. Pour your love out on her today. Be all that she needs in everything today. Show her how special she is. Touch her afresh with your love. I speak your peace over her mind and heart. I refuse fear or lies that affect her concerning her children and porn. Thank you that you will strengthen her and guide her in preparing, protecting and coming alongside her children in this whole area. Thank you, you are with her right now, holding her, loving her.

In Jesus name. Amen.

I also invite you to pray the following prayer with me:

Jesus, sometimes it’s so difficult to be all that our kids need us to be. With issues like porn, we don’t even know where to start. Help us. Give us wisdom and strategies. Help us talk to our kids about porn. Help us prepare them and protect them for this world we live in. Help us come alongside our children when they struggle, when they fall. Give us love, compassion and understanding. Help us be brave and courageous in talking with them.

We trust our children to you. Thank you that you hold them. Thank you that you have destiny and purpose for them. Help us to keep believing your best for them.

In Jesus name. Amen

Be encouraged, dear friend.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesian 3:20-21

 

Please share this post with parents you know. It is my heart prayer that it reaches many, and protects young lives.